The Quarter Life Crisis
As it turns midnight tonight, I hit the age of 25. The wrong side of my 20s. An age that when I was a child I thought you had your sh*t together. I couldn't be further from having my sh*t together if I tried. I currently resemble a child losing their parent in a supermarket, more than I do a blazer-wearing, kick-ass lady who's got everything under control.
But do we ever have everything under control?
Not really, if I'm doing too much of one thing I'm not doing enough of the other. When I became an adult, whatever the hell that is. I never knew I was joining the circus to spin plates.
I'm in the depths of an identity crisis. Not a physical identity crisis. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm finally loving the skin I'm in. Slowly. Nevertheless, I'm getting there. Which is a great feeling. However, I feel like my inner identity is growing and changing.
Growth is healthy, but it also means leaving others behind, not because I'm better than them or they're better than me. But life has it's seasons and reasons for people walking into your world. And only a few stick by you for a life time.
The past year has taught me who my true friends are and the last couple of months have shown even more who I well and truly want to surround myself with. However, that doesn't come without its trials and something I'll go further into in another post.
My identity crisis doesn't just stop at what I look like and who I'm surrounding myself with. But most importantly what I want to be. We're asked at school 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' And no one says; oh I'd really love to sit at a desk, in a 9-5, filling out a spreadsheet, answering phone calls and making cups of tea. Everyone has grand aspirations of being an astronaut or a global superstar singer (other dream jobs available). We're taught to dream, which is no bad thing. Do we feel inadequate because we're told that we can be whoever we want to be, but not quite know the path to get there?
Most definitely.
I know I'm feeding into the generalisation of the 'snowflake' generation. But life is hard and what I mean by the quarter life crisis is exactly what you might see a middle aged man doing. The downside is that I don't enough money to treat myself to a secondhand Porsche, thinking that I look like an Abercrombie model. (Brutal but true).
According to Wikipedia this is the meaning of a midlife crisis:
"A midlife crisis is a transition of identity and self-confidence that can occur in middle-aged individuals, typically 45–64 years old.[The phenomenon is described as a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person's growing age, inevitable mortality, and possibly shortcomings of accomplishments in life. This may produce feelings of depression, remorse, and anxiety, or the desire to achieve youthfulness or make drastic changes to their current lifestyle."
I am showing signs of the above. I have a fear that I will die too young and I won't be able to achieve everything that I have planned in that time. An irrational fear that quite frankly I can't control. We all have a timeline, it's simply a case of making the most of that timeline while we have it. A pressure that I feel is amplified through social media. 10 years ago I would have never heard of Sally from Australia dying from cervical cancer at the age of 27 after doctors mistreated her for three years. Now I feel like we hear these horror stories daily and we're spoon fed negative, scary news.
Another one from the above is a feeling of a lack of accomplishments. Which is completely overwhelming and again stems from what I see on social media. Have I seen enough of the world? More than the average person definitely. Is it enough? Absolutely not. Have I earned enough money? In the grand scheme of things I'm not doing badly. Although, like everyone my age; living costs are higher than when our parents were starting out and I don't ever feel like I'm earning enough money for the lifestyle I lead, let alone want to lead. I'm learning to get better at not comparing myself to others, however, we all do it. And sometimes it's easier to block out the white noise on some days than it is others.
I spend too much money on clothes because I think it will make me feel better. To be truthful, it does for a short period of time and my ego is fed with a compliment. Another thing clearly stated in the identity crisis above. However, I am making a conscious effort to stop the irrational spending to benefit my purse and for the planet.
Social media has played a big part in this dizzy feeling of mine, however social media hasn't been around forever so where does all of this stem from?
I feel like school's do us a massive dis-service when building the blocks for us to become adults. I'm grateful for a decent education, but I also got laughed out of the career conversation when I said my dream was to be a TV Presenter. Simply because I wasn't going to help the school's stats for the UCAS record. Which consequently made me fall into a degree, that I didn't particularly want or enjoy.
For 25 years, I've been told to follow and do what I love. But what do I love? I love fashion and I love food. But what good does that get me? There's hundreds of thousands of jobs out there in those fields, however, I don't know which one I want. I'm also competing with millions of people like myself. Like I said earlier, no one wants the boring snorefest jobs do they?!
My world feels like I'm in a tail-spin and I simply can't stop it. I feel like that video that went viral of the lady in the sea and every time she gets up the wave comes and knocks her over again. It's hilarious, so please do find it.
I have days where I'm thinking you're fine, plenty of time, you've got this gal. Other days I'm in panic mode that I will never be satisfied with my life. A Yo-Yo of emotions.
I realise this is all pretty doom and gloom, but I genuinely embrace life. I strongly, strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and each path is leading to another one. Even if it feels like you're pushing a 20 tonne cart up a hill, you will eventually get to the top! I know that's not helpful and sometimes we'd all love to have a crystal ball or a psychic to tell us that everything is going to be OK. And although I'm not a psychic or do I have a crystal ball, it really will be OK.
Something that keeps me going is that I haven't met all the friends that I will have in my life yet. I'm a people person and thrive on making good, solid, friendships with people I can trust. I don't know what my future holds and although that's petrifying, it's also really exciting. I'm at a crossroads and can really make my life my own. Grab the bull by the horns and work my bloody socks off doing what I love.
And in the words of Whitney Houston 'I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadow. If I fail, if I succeed. At least I'll live as I believe.'
Pretty cringey, but words to live by in my humble opinion.
My advice to anyone feeling the same as I do currently, is to talk about it. I can guarantee that at least one friend of yours feels the same as you do right now. Do a Dory and 'Just keep swimming.' We're not always going to feel like this, we simply haven't been lucky enough to find our 'thing' yet. The most important part of life is that something makes you belly laugh happy, whether that's your job, your home, your friends, your partner, your hobby. Then nothing else matters. Life isn't perfect, but if you have some form of escapism in one thing that makes you really god damn happy then you're onto a winner. If you're happy in more than one of those things then even better.
Now go and listen to Whitney - Greatest Love of All and boss these demons. You've got this.
Trainers: Nike
Bag: Kate Spade (sold out but similar)
Watch: Larsson & Jennings
Sophie x